Chicken Tikka Masarah: Holy Matrimony

"Are you married?"

This is a question that one doesn't hear too often at the ripe (and beginning to be over-the-hill) age of twenty in the United States, especially not for someone very much still enrolled at a liberal East coast university. In India, particularly in rural India, the exact opposite is true. After the obligatory introduction of name and place of origin, my matrimonial status is questioned by both men and women. "No," I respond. Eyes narrow, lips purse, and thinking caps are put on. "Well, when are you getting married?" they ask, searching my body for signs of sagging skin and graying hair and other physical attributes that would signal my inevitable demise into spinsterhood. I have yet to come up with an eloquent and acceptable answer to this question, so I usually just try to explain that women in the US get married at a later age, sometime in their thirties, and I may or may not get married, and if I do, it will most certainly be a love marriage. Spectacularly disappointed by this answer, most people shake their heads and tell me I must get married in the next five years. Because I am a dairy product, and my expiration date is 2015.

Marriage is of utmost importance in India, especially in rural Rajasthan. When I asked Deepak, who is twenty-one and has been married for nearly four years about his wife, he simply told me that "My wife is my life." Every girl I've had a conversation with talks about her future husband in very certain terms, regardless of the actual existence of said husband. The status quo is to get married at an acceptable age, move into the groom's house, and live in matrimonial bliss for the rest of one's days. The overwhelming majority of weddings in this part of India are "arranged marriages." Having gone to an all-girls school for the majority of my life, and then continuing my education at said-liberal university, I've always been wary of the concept of arranged marriages, because I've only viewed them as stripping women of a say in their life. Sure, India has a significantly lower rate of divorce than America's 50%, and this is largely attributed to arranged marriage, but if a woman has no voice before the marriage, how can she speak out if the arrangement isn't working for her once she has moved in with her husband's family? The assumption that a couple learns to love each other over time is a frightening concept for a young girl who is expected to sleep with her husband on their wedding night, even if they have never even spoken to each other before. Aditi was telling me that marriage rape is problematic in some relationships, but since women don't understand their right to consent, and they don't know who to talk to about this stigmatized subject, most cases go unreported. Also, I'm more of a stickler for romance- the idea of meeting my life partner one day and then having to spend the rest of my life with him is pretty unromantic.

I've learned since coming to Bagar that most women don't have the same Western views of arranged marriage that I do. Indian culture is very family-oriented, as opposed to the more individualistic culture of the US. Families live together, survive together, and depend on each other for important decisions. Few women would dream of choosing a mate entirely on their own, and instead rely on their parents to make an educated decision for them. After all, your parents aren't the ones who are going to screw you over with this sort of life decision, and, as I'm sure we've all learned since we were angsty fourteen year olds, they're usually right about Important Stuff. Marriage culture has changed a lot, and engaged couples spend a year or more courting each other (with a companion, of course!) before actually getting married. Potential suitors can be dismissed by the bride, depending on the family. The whole concept of arranged marriage is that young love and passion can fizzle out quickly, leaving hearts broken and lives shattered. And relationships can be pretty destructive- it seems that most Americans get at least one divorce, which can have a very damaging effect on their children. Arranged marriages understand that relationships take work, and a couple matched up for life is more likely to grapple with the hard stuff than wimp out and cite "irreconcilable differences." Love will come later.

As an outsider, the most important thing about a marriage is the wedding. I was quite excited to come to India so that I could attend a traditional wedding. I envisioned glittering saris, intricate dance routines, and whole legs of lamb every couple of feet. Obviously I was wrong. Most wedding receptions are eat and leave situations where people wear jeans and men and women don't talk to each other. We have been to two weddings thus far; the first was very disappointing and involved walking along a dark highway for an hour, the second was far more enjoyable. Sahil Bossman explained to me GDL's three-pronged system used for assessing the elegance of a wedding. First, the wedding invitation. Wedding #1 had no invitations; at least not for us, someone just came to GDL and invited us to a reception that was about to begin in an hour. We should have taken this as our first sign, but we had no idea what to expect. Wedding #2 had a glossy, hard-paper color brochure that looked not unlike a menu at a cheap Italian restaurant. The invitation had been made in Jaipur, detailed the bride's achievements (Master's in Economics) as well as the groom's (a doctor!) and included full length pictures of the lovebirds. Apparently this is the last word in elegance, and Sahil knew right away that this was going to be the wedding of the year. Second, location. I have no idea where Wedding #1 was, some sort of outdoor wedding hall, I think, but we had to walk for a blister-inducing hour, and all I remember is foot pain. Wedding #2 was a 5 minute walk from GDL- automatic points. It was also in the park in front of the temple, which is very nice and also happens to have a merry-go-round, swing set and a seesaw. Apparently the last wedding that was at this location had servers in tuxedos and appetizers, and is Sahil's favorite wedding. Excitement was mounting.

The third and final measurement is the menu. I'm not even going to talk about the food at Wedding #1 because it's not worth taking up space from Wedding #2. There were rumors that there would be cold drinks, filtered water AND ice cream- really the height of luxury. We got there and were not disappointed. They had an appetizer bar, where there was panne pourri, fruit salad with apples!!!!, and ice cones. There were two types of paneer, three different kinds of sweets, naan instead of roti, fried rice, a dosa station, and grilled vegetables. It was delicious. The odd thing about this reception was that neither the bride nor the groom were in attendance. Indian weddings span several days and have a variety of activities, and this reception hosted by the bride's family wasn't top of the list. So basically they just threw this giant, expensive party for their friends and family and just assummed we would all stuff our face and have a good time. It's kind of strange, but apparently very common. Could you imagine if an American bride, after all the wedding planners and pain-staking hours of bridezilla preparation, didn't show up for her reception? Violent fights would likely ensue.

So, thank you to the bride and groom (who we never met and still have no idea who they actually are) for inviting us to your wedding. May you live in holy matrimony for the rest of your days!

July 2010 Most Eligible Bachelors: Pankaj and Kamal-ji